Running, #2, and grief

To update those who follow ...
who probably haven't looked at the blog for a while...
thanks for hanging in there with me.

I have continued to enjoy running...in fact just finished race #3 last week with a time of 30:54. Not bad after the flu and all that comes with being sick.

We've finally had progress on the embryo adoption and we have our consult Jan. 21st with a possibility of a transfer in early March, which means #2 could be with us by Dec. of 2010, very exciting..more to come later on this bit of info.

And finally we are at the final stages of life for my dear grandma that I've loved, that has been a supporter of me and who has loved me and been my cheerleader during those ups and downs of life. In the lasts 5 years she has lost a battle to depression, succumbing to the negative aspects of life and relationships which has been devastating to watch, however, we still see glimpses of Gods' grace that He continues to shine down upon her. However, it is time, she has "seen" my grandpa (who I still miss) walking to her and wait for her. He was/is the love of her life . So I'm thankful the Lord has him walking to her to receive her on the other side.

It is bittersweet, she is in so much pain, but of course, I would love for Jake to have known her as I did. We have stories to share and she loved Jake so much, she would brighten up when she heard his name..

One more way

Sometimes I wonder.....
ok, well lots of times I wonder....
And then sometimes I actually wander....
I've enjoyed my summer, it has been very interesting balancing work and family and horses. And as stressful at times as it has been, I count myself very blessed.
Ken and I decided not to take a salary from the mission this summer, as an act of trust and service to the Lord for blessing us with such a wonderful son and ministry. And well the financial crisis the nation is in. We want to make sure that this place continues, not that it is in our hands anyway, but we like to think we have control sometimes.
Anyway, in some ways, this has been my hardest summer and summer camp and in other ways it has been my most rewarding. I have seen horses being used by the Lord to bring the kids to their knees crying for God. Even as I write this, I am crying as I remember those times. It amazes me what the Lord will do and use to allure us to Him. I am awestruck most of the time. And I'm honored he would consider me worthy to help in His love for His children. So as hard as this summer has been, emotionally, physically and monetarily... I lay it at the alter and Thank you Jesus for dying for us ....for these campers and for never giving up on us stiff-necked people!

Heart Connection

A good friend who also has gone through the pain of barrenness but also rejoiced in the wonders of adoption, wrote these words from a poem she read from another woman on the journey of adoption. I rewrite them b/c those words really connected with my heart. I'm so thankful for Jake but I really wish I would have "birthed" him b/c I missed 2 years with him and I love him so much that it will always be a heartache for me. Yes, I have him now.....but.....
So those who can connect with these heartfelt words enjoy...

Thanks Amanda for posting!

Pangs of longing contract with faith:
that your untimely birth was for my sake,
and my barrenness for yours.
I am not ashamed either way

Nothin Like a Good Book

One of my very near and dear friends who I trust with my whole heart suggested a book for me to read the other day. I love books, could read them 12 hrs out of the day. But boy do I hate a bad book, even when it is bad, I feel like I have to finish, so I trudge through it and it becomes somewhat painful.
However, she is one of those people who I can trust will give me a great book. And this time was no different. There were 2, I could only afford one, it was in hard back and not in the library :(
Anyway, I started to read and immediately knew why I was going to LOVE this book. It is a novel, very heartfelt all about people, their feelings, their lives and it spanned 3 generations. The author did a near perfect job of allowing you to be in 3 different generations but see how the lives of all 3 were intertwined.
I'm still processing the book, I read it is 4 days, I just couldn't put it down. And it wasn't one of those feel good, everything works out perfect in the end. I think that is truly why I loved it, it was life and it was a tragedy, but life continues and you see how even if one life ends up tragic it doesn't have to doom the future generations.
I am very interested in generational curses and blessings, always have been so I think the deeper spiritual meaning that I loved about it was this aspect.
Anyway, if you want a GREAT book, read the Forgotten Garden. I've promised by copy out, but if you are interested we can all just pass it around.

5K

I ran and finished the 5 K on July4th. It was somewhat of a let down as I was way overwhelmed when I got there but took it all in stride and finished at 34 minutes for the 3. 1miles.
I forgot I even ran that morning by the time Saturday night arrrived. I just really felt tired. I have planned to run another in August for a cause, which seems a bit more relieving! Hopefully I'll keep up with the running and all by then! Jess, i know you are reading this and NOT commenting! You had better comment! Or I'll let that little girl know later on in life! hee hee Love you!

Moving along

So Amanda has asked for more info on the embryo adoption and I aim to please so I'll update you all on where we are thus far. So far we have paid our initial application fee. Which basically means, we have to send in our homestudy, get blood work done to make sure we don't have HIV, hepatitis or any other STD's. Then we have to fill out our physical makeup. We had to write a brief letter to the donors stating our intent to adopt etc.
The organization tries to match your physical characteristics with that of the donors. Not that we wouldn't ever share with our child that genetically he/she is from different parents even though I gave birth to them.
I know it is slightly odd to wrap a mind around. Ken and I are going back and forth as far as an open or closed adoption b/c there are some different circumstances that we have to take into consideration.
So now we are onto our letter to the donor. How do you thank a donor for allowing you the chance to have their frozen embryo? I'm not really sure. In light of the octo-mom controversy this whole issue of invitro has taken on a whole new perspective for many.
But basically with invitro parents have 3 options:
1. Donate to a couple unable to conceive
2. designate the embryos to research or thawing, both of which results in death of the embryos
3. Indefinite storage

The ability to conceive a frozen embryo is about 40%, which is about 37% higher than what I currently have :)

That is our current status. I will update on our next stage which will be to go down to TN to have a consult with the doctor, do an ultrasound and more blood work.

We anticipate to do the transfer sometime from Feb-April.
Please don't hesitate to ask questions, if you are reading this you are a close friend and I value your questions and comments!

Lying in Wait

This week at camp has been one fingerprint of God after another.
As much as people always blame God for all the "bad" things that happen to them. I have taken it on as my personal mission in life to NOT thank myself for all the good things that happen to me but to Thank God for them.
For example:
Our staff has been working so hard this summer already and it has been in the mid 90's with heat indexes even higher. So I took them all out on the boat. But as it would turn out the boat decided to not work correctly, so we were able to swim and pull them on the kneeboard but then the fun was over.
Alas, 1/2 hour later a pop up thunderstorm appeared! And not only that but we took our boat into the shop and the fuel pump was busted! So now only did we make it out of the water unharmed but also we didn't have to paddle ourselves back! THANK YOU LORD!

This week we had some very sad stories of children who were at camp. And the Lord showed up in many ways. I was able through the use of horses to pray with many campers this week and to show them that the Lord wasn't done with them but in fact HE was just getting started and HE used these amazing 4-legged animals to light the path. His tool is HIS creation!

One week down and I'm still running! PTL!

New Journey

Today the Lewis family began embarking on a new journey for our family. That journey is known as the "embryo adoption". This phrase I know for most people is a new concept. Ken and I have been praying, researching, praying, thinking, looking at finances, praying... you get the picture. In a nutshell it is adopting another couples frozen embryo that they decided they couldn't go through with in vitro with b/c of multiple reasons and therefore have put these embryos up for adoption. Since Ken and I believe that these embryos are a human life, we decided to adopt some...hee hee.
Ok, so before you start calling me octo-mom, they man and his facility are highly reputable and b/c of my age :(, I will be implanted with 3 embryos, and we'll hope that one of them decides to live life in the Lewis family....Ok, I'm way overwhelmed now that I've put this all down so I'm going to stop and just say, that Ken and I finished our application and we've started the process. We covet your prayers and can't wait to keep you up to date on our newest addition (hopefully...Lord willing).

Friends

I just wanted to take this time to say "thanks" to all my wonderful friends out there! All of you in different states, time zones, life circumstances. I'm thankful for you! I can write here and you will read, respond and pray for me! I'm thankful for you all! I know many people who don't have friends who "know their hearts" much less "trust their hearts". So as I write this I know you all know who you are and I thank you! I love you all and can't wait for the day we are all together again!!!

If I was going somewhere..I was running...

Today began another start of my running career. One of my volunteers is an avid runner, running in 17 marathons over 10 years. For some reason she has taken on my case with shear passion that I also need to start running. I started off by asking her if she thought I was fat...hee hee. After that I started thinking more seriously about it but that was all I put into it was thought. So today, after months of not giving up on me. I got up early and met her at the local bike path. She asked how far I wanted to run and I said I would be happy with a mile. She just smiled...
I ran 4 miles today...and I'm astonished. I really didn't think I was going to die until about 3.5 miles. Which again shocked me, but I was pleasantly surprised. The entire time she kept talking about marathons and how much I'd love to do them and how great they were .... I can't imagine myself running a marathon, but God has done things with me that I never thought I'd do so you never know.
How's that for a shocker!

Crossroads

Ever feel like at some point in life you should be done with the "crossroads". As much as I want adventure in life, I also love the routine, the usual typical day to day expectations. That way when something unexpected does come up, I feel much better to deal with it.
But then there are times when everything is going to change and I feel out of sorts. Nothing seems familiar, even the day to day routine seems unusual. And I find myself on edge. My mind never stopping, thinking about all the new decisions I have to make as a family.
Then I realize that I can do all the planning I want but it may never materialize, or there may be a wrench thrown into one part, or nothing may even happen and I find myself worrying over nothing.
Then I start laughing b/c I've been in this place so many times, and yet things are good, and I had no cause for worry before, but I did worry...
ahhhh life...gotta love it.

Mirror Mirror

Let me first say that I love my new wallpaper (thanks Michelle). I have not been here for awhile again and camp has started, our 2nd week just finished. I forget how much I miss the kids and the redemption I see throughout the week. And in 10 weeks it will be over and I'll go through my depressed state of missing them. However, this year, I have my favorite camper of all....Jake! Jake has now gotten used to have 15 yr. old babysitters from 9-3 take care of him 3 days a week. At first I felt like a failure to have babysitters take care of him. Until one day, I saw him bossing all them around the camp! I laughed and realized how much fun he was having, I wasn't the worst mom ever to have him with someone else for a couple days a week. And there is nothing like the end of the day when they bring him out of the house and up towards the barn and I come out of the barn and he yells "HI momma" and comes running up the hill to me. ahhhhh that is life!

Ken and I are continuing to explore opportunities for our 2nd and last child. Somedays, I feel very satisfied with one, but growing up with 2 and ken as well, we are praying to have 2. God only knows if that will happen. Lots of changes on the horizon I suspect.

School Daze....errr days

A little up date on life, for those of you my dear dear friends who follow my inconsistent blogging. I figure if anyone looks at this anymore, they have to be good friends :) hee hee.
Well after a brief shock, Jake started school 3 days after turning 3. I was up and down, back and forth, hot and cold about the entire situation. I played the pros and cons, good cop bad cop. I even got a lecture from the school psychologist on how this was in the best interest of my child. And I'm thinking to myself,"wait, I'm always on the one giving this lecture, don't you lecture ME, I KNOW this stuff". ahhh and that is really the crux of it all. I've seemingly "lost" my ability to think rationally and as a counselor, now that I'm so in love with my son.

I think now that maybe I'll pursue eventually getting my counseling license in the state of Ohio b/c I feel I could be a much better counselor now that I'm a wife and a mother.

Anyway, I digress, as usual. So after 3 weeks of being in school, it has actually become a way of life and I'm really enjoying my time while he is in school. I feel like I've had time to get a lot of stuff done that I felt overwhelmed with before. I do have 2 jobs still, not sure if everyone knew that or not :)

I've really leaned on the fact that only "Christ can strengthen me" for those things that I NEED to get done, the rest, HE will provide the time and energy for later. This whole thing has convinced me that God has set us with marriage and child-rearing as a way to continually lead us back to HIM. I don't know how else to do LIFE. I don't know how others make it, I would continually feel like a failure, a flop and a disappointment. But everyday I'm learning to say, "ok what is it that you have for me to do today" and I do it and if the rest of it on my "to do" list doesn't get done, well....oh well.....

Somedays are better than others, but such is life, right?

Long Time

Well after a long hiatus I am back. Not sure why I felt the need to stop writing. Maybe I felt a little too vulnerable, maybe I was a bit overwhelmed with it all. However, whatever the "feelings" I am back, like it or not.

For all of my "counseling buddies" out there, we all know the feeling of putting ourselves out there and on the line and I sometimes the pressure begins to well up and well maybe I just snapped.

Funny thing is, I feel more in touch with being a mom. Not that I feel more in "control" just that I feel better about all the loss of control I've had in my life for the past 7 mos. I don't get as upset about not being able to just run in and run out of a store. I don't sweat not having the time to get on and reconnect with people on the internet.

And didn't feel the pressure to have to write everyday about my experiences. I just am accepting that I am NOT super mom and I'm ok with that . It was way too much pressure and I folded, but I was never meant to handle it all as well.

I have had some great times just relaxing and being a family with Ken and Jake and also spent some time up with our friends at their cabin up North. I have to say in some ways I have begun to forget what my life was like before Jake.

We've gotten into a routine which is good and I've gotten some great babysitters so that I can attend to my other "jobs" I have to do. I am happy that winter is about over, I couldn't stand much more of it!

Well that is all for now! Michelle, I'm sure you are somewhat "thrilled" that I'm back. I think part of it was my new "do"

I do love you all that are reading this, I trust you with my heart and I hope to be writing more.

PS, this pic of Jake is one of my favs. I have it blown up in black and white in our house!

here's a surprise to all... even me!!

I reveal to you, that I LOVE the color PINK!! I know, I know.... Please, it's hard for me to admit this, and beg Michelle to make my blog PINK for me, but I finally decided that she's right... PINK is the best color, and I really do LOVE IT!! She's been right for all these years, and Michelle, I'm sorry that I first thought that this background looked like "Peptobismol Pink".... I'm grateful that you stood by, knowing that someday I would realize that you were right... Pink is beautiful, and it makes me happy to look at the beautiful blog you created for me!!

Happy April Fools Day!!

My Own Child

I did not plant you,
true.
But when the season is done,
when the alternate prayers for sun and rain
are counted,
and when the pain of weeding
and the pride of watching
are through,
then I shall hold you high.
A shining leaf above a thousand seeds sown wild.
Not my planting,
But by heaven,
My harvest,
My Own child

Wonderous

It is amazing to see the progress that Jake is having. As "most" parents get to admire their child from just hours old to this pt. Ken and I have just begun our journey of 6 mos and Jake at 2.
So everything just astounds us to his nature. Jake is turning out to be quite musical. Everything he picks up becomes an instrument. His bat is now a guitar and a horn. The windows a piano...you get what I'm saying with all of this. He sings out loud and I mean loud the songs that come on the tv. Although he is quite athletic, I'm loving his musical tendencies. My heartache is that I have none and so his dad will have to teach him the ways of the music. But his other love is animals and I couldn't be prouder as a mom. He loves the dogs, in fact he tries to mimic them every chance he gets whether it is how they sit or lay down or sniff around the house. He cracks me up how he studies solomon. Solomon of course only sees Jake as being a way to have people food as he is the first to sit right by Jake when he eats...just in case he happens to let anything fall down. Jake however loves food so much he is NOT happy to share with solomon and so sometimes he gets in arguments with solomon on getting away from him during his food time.

All of it is so funny to me and I feel like I am taking it all in as a clinical psychologist takes in his clients. I just study Jake from time to time, what is he doing and what is he saying.
Jake has a wonderful imagination and he will be in the living room just imagining and playing by himself with all kinds of different things, very interesting.
Sorry, this is probably boring for all 3 of you reading this to read, but whenever I show this to Jake I want him to know how intriguing he is to his mom and how wonderous a creation.

Bare with me, I know I repeat myself

I just have to say again... maybe b/c repetition in my life is now normal. But I have to say....I LOVE FIRSTS! Maybe b/c life gets to a point when you stop having so many firsts, but then a little one comes along and you get to experience firsts all over again. I LOVE IT! It brings me to my knees at how new things are to Jake, things that I just have to run past, don't notice, don't have "time" to notice.
Today we were out in the snow and Jake just loved standing in the snow, that is it, that made him smile. I just wonder what goes on in his head as he ponders this white, powdery concoction that comes from the sky. I drug him behind me in his sled and he just put his hands out to the side to gather all the snow. Then we went to the barn and he played in the sand in the arena and just rubbed it through his gloves, then around with his boots then with his knees. Over and over and just digesting all of this information.

It makes me all the more thankful to have him, even though there are days, I long for Calgon to take me away.

Jake, loves his swim lessons and with me not being able to take him for the last couple of weeks, Daddy got to play with him in the water. It was great to see them playing together in the water.
Most of the time, Jake just kicks his legs in excitement that he is in the water. And then drinks a quarter of the pool as he tries to blow bubbles. ( I hear this is just all part of the process)

Sweetness

Jake's words and sentences are coming along so well. Everyday he picks up phrases and says them over and over and over and over, you get my point.
Anyway the other day we are sitting on the couch and he looks over at Solomon and says "it's solomon" and then looks at me and says , "it's momma," and then looks at himself and says, "it's Jake". And he continues this mantra for about 5 minutes and then takes a deep breath and relaxes. Like he just needed to get that OUT! aaaahhhh makes me laugh! So grateful we are!

Misreading the Signs...aka parenting

"The must seem to mislead the child and the Master the dog. They misread the signs. Their ignorance and their wishes twist everything.You are so sure you know what the the promise promised! And the danger is that when what He means by 'wind' appears you will ignore it b/c it is not what you thought it would be-as He Himself was rejected b/c He was not like the Messiah the Jews had in mind. But I am, I fancy, repeating things I said before. I look forward very much to our meeting again" (A Severe Mercy)

I love this letter from CS Lewis to Sheldon Vanauken b/c as Ken and I learn to parent we are learning about how the Lord "parents" us. What we think is the best for us, b/c for some reason we think we are the experts on ourselves, we are appalled when the Lord has a better plan. And even more appalled when we think we know the promise. Not unlike Jake who throws temper tantrums b/c he has to put on his boots for the snow... to go out to swim lessons but then once he gets to the pool is delighted in the fact he put on the boots to leave!

Or when he refuses to sit in his chair for lunch and gets the warning he can either sit in his chair or sit in time out. But once again is delighted when he choses the chair and gets to eat (one of his favorite things to do).

Ken and I were so sad when for years could not concieve, down right angry with God but years later delighted in we recieved or concieved our gift of Jake.

My hope for our family, especially Jake, that he will do this better than both Ken and I that he will learn that in God's service is perfect freedom. That obeying Him is his free choice but also freedom.

B/c "all that is not God is death" (MacDonald) Which is very different than what the world tries to teach us, that God is death, he is constraining, law abiding, not fun ... you all know what I mean.

So in parenting my hope and prayer is that eventually we will engage Jake in communication with the Lord who a much better parent!

I have so much in my head about all of this that I can't put more "words" to it right now but hope to in the weeks/months/years to come!

Created Chaos

So first of all a BIG thank you to Michelle for giving my blog a facelift. As I'm design challenged as seen in my house, the way I dress and decorate just about anything in my life, I'm very thankful for Michelle and her gift of color and design.

Ken and I are looking into another form of adoption and therefore need to update our homestudy. And of course it expires this month and we have a whole host of updating to do, such as fingerprinting, child abuse registry, well testing, etc. etc. etc. And yesterday as I'm making mad dashes to all the different locations trying to get things done, I almost started laughing in the midst of crying b/c in the midst of the chaos, I realized I'm doing this all to myself.

It is so easy for me to look at others lives and say "they are chosing this chaos" and yesterday as I'm re-evaluating if this is the best decision with a toddler to be running around like a woman on crack, I just started to laugh.

But as the Lord has been teaching me, I have a temptation to just give up when it gets hard and not push through. And while I will be thrilled to have another child, if nothing works than I will be just as thrilled with Jake and to be a family of 3!

Infertility

About a year ago I was talking to a very special friend and they were talking about that though she had "children" there was still a grief and loss of not giving birth to any of them. At the time, I couldn't even fathom such a thought since I was so desperate for a child of my own. But since having Jake, I now know what she was talking about. Even though Jake is my son and I know that from the depths of my soul there will be a time where I will have to talk to him about the fact that I did not have him from my body as other moms did with their sons and I'm so sad about that conversation.
I know that Jake was knit in my heart before he was born, I am more sure of that than anything, but God knows that He made me to physically have children as well and that is still a grief I have as a woman. Please do not hear me saying that I regret Jake or don't consider him my son, that is not it at all. (Although I know all of you reading know my heart :))

My sadness comes from now being able to fulfill my "job" that the Lord has put in my heart! Ken and I are looking into options for further adoption options!
I'll keepyou all posted

Holiday withdrawal

Grandparents have left. The tree is gone, and the rest of the decorations are on their way down. No more going to houses with excitement. Back to the routine. Currently Jake is doing what I feel like doing, he is pooped out on the floor, sprawled out and looks like he is passed out.

Ken (daddy) is back to work, which is always a disappointment having to say goodbye in the morning. Grandparents aren't around to play 24/7 running around the house and making up imaginative games to play. And mom doesn't get to get all of those things done around the house I was hoping to do while everyone was in town. The house seems boring really and I find myself looking forward to the next big event. But know that winter is very long in the midwest and I long for Colorado and the snow (real snow).

But life is so much more exciting with Jake even when I get the holiday blues.