Bare with me, I know I repeat myself

I just have to say again... maybe b/c repetition in my life is now normal. But I have to say....I LOVE FIRSTS! Maybe b/c life gets to a point when you stop having so many firsts, but then a little one comes along and you get to experience firsts all over again. I LOVE IT! It brings me to my knees at how new things are to Jake, things that I just have to run past, don't notice, don't have "time" to notice.
Today we were out in the snow and Jake just loved standing in the snow, that is it, that made him smile. I just wonder what goes on in his head as he ponders this white, powdery concoction that comes from the sky. I drug him behind me in his sled and he just put his hands out to the side to gather all the snow. Then we went to the barn and he played in the sand in the arena and just rubbed it through his gloves, then around with his boots then with his knees. Over and over and just digesting all of this information.

It makes me all the more thankful to have him, even though there are days, I long for Calgon to take me away.

Jake, loves his swim lessons and with me not being able to take him for the last couple of weeks, Daddy got to play with him in the water. It was great to see them playing together in the water.
Most of the time, Jake just kicks his legs in excitement that he is in the water. And then drinks a quarter of the pool as he tries to blow bubbles. ( I hear this is just all part of the process)

Sweetness

Jake's words and sentences are coming along so well. Everyday he picks up phrases and says them over and over and over and over, you get my point.
Anyway the other day we are sitting on the couch and he looks over at Solomon and says "it's solomon" and then looks at me and says , "it's momma," and then looks at himself and says, "it's Jake". And he continues this mantra for about 5 minutes and then takes a deep breath and relaxes. Like he just needed to get that OUT! aaaahhhh makes me laugh! So grateful we are!

Misreading the Signs...aka parenting

"The must seem to mislead the child and the Master the dog. They misread the signs. Their ignorance and their wishes twist everything.You are so sure you know what the the promise promised! And the danger is that when what He means by 'wind' appears you will ignore it b/c it is not what you thought it would be-as He Himself was rejected b/c He was not like the Messiah the Jews had in mind. But I am, I fancy, repeating things I said before. I look forward very much to our meeting again" (A Severe Mercy)

I love this letter from CS Lewis to Sheldon Vanauken b/c as Ken and I learn to parent we are learning about how the Lord "parents" us. What we think is the best for us, b/c for some reason we think we are the experts on ourselves, we are appalled when the Lord has a better plan. And even more appalled when we think we know the promise. Not unlike Jake who throws temper tantrums b/c he has to put on his boots for the snow... to go out to swim lessons but then once he gets to the pool is delighted in the fact he put on the boots to leave!

Or when he refuses to sit in his chair for lunch and gets the warning he can either sit in his chair or sit in time out. But once again is delighted when he choses the chair and gets to eat (one of his favorite things to do).

Ken and I were so sad when for years could not concieve, down right angry with God but years later delighted in we recieved or concieved our gift of Jake.

My hope for our family, especially Jake, that he will do this better than both Ken and I that he will learn that in God's service is perfect freedom. That obeying Him is his free choice but also freedom.

B/c "all that is not God is death" (MacDonald) Which is very different than what the world tries to teach us, that God is death, he is constraining, law abiding, not fun ... you all know what I mean.

So in parenting my hope and prayer is that eventually we will engage Jake in communication with the Lord who a much better parent!

I have so much in my head about all of this that I can't put more "words" to it right now but hope to in the weeks/months/years to come!

Created Chaos

So first of all a BIG thank you to Michelle for giving my blog a facelift. As I'm design challenged as seen in my house, the way I dress and decorate just about anything in my life, I'm very thankful for Michelle and her gift of color and design.

Ken and I are looking into another form of adoption and therefore need to update our homestudy. And of course it expires this month and we have a whole host of updating to do, such as fingerprinting, child abuse registry, well testing, etc. etc. etc. And yesterday as I'm making mad dashes to all the different locations trying to get things done, I almost started laughing in the midst of crying b/c in the midst of the chaos, I realized I'm doing this all to myself.

It is so easy for me to look at others lives and say "they are chosing this chaos" and yesterday as I'm re-evaluating if this is the best decision with a toddler to be running around like a woman on crack, I just started to laugh.

But as the Lord has been teaching me, I have a temptation to just give up when it gets hard and not push through. And while I will be thrilled to have another child, if nothing works than I will be just as thrilled with Jake and to be a family of 3!

Infertility

About a year ago I was talking to a very special friend and they were talking about that though she had "children" there was still a grief and loss of not giving birth to any of them. At the time, I couldn't even fathom such a thought since I was so desperate for a child of my own. But since having Jake, I now know what she was talking about. Even though Jake is my son and I know that from the depths of my soul there will be a time where I will have to talk to him about the fact that I did not have him from my body as other moms did with their sons and I'm so sad about that conversation.
I know that Jake was knit in my heart before he was born, I am more sure of that than anything, but God knows that He made me to physically have children as well and that is still a grief I have as a woman. Please do not hear me saying that I regret Jake or don't consider him my son, that is not it at all. (Although I know all of you reading know my heart :))

My sadness comes from now being able to fulfill my "job" that the Lord has put in my heart! Ken and I are looking into options for further adoption options!
I'll keepyou all posted

Holiday withdrawal

Grandparents have left. The tree is gone, and the rest of the decorations are on their way down. No more going to houses with excitement. Back to the routine. Currently Jake is doing what I feel like doing, he is pooped out on the floor, sprawled out and looks like he is passed out.

Ken (daddy) is back to work, which is always a disappointment having to say goodbye in the morning. Grandparents aren't around to play 24/7 running around the house and making up imaginative games to play. And mom doesn't get to get all of those things done around the house I was hoping to do while everyone was in town. The house seems boring really and I find myself looking forward to the next big event. But know that winter is very long in the midwest and I long for Colorado and the snow (real snow).

But life is so much more exciting with Jake even when I get the holiday blues.